Over The Moon

Over The Moon

by Lily Meola

I was in my room, looking at a pile of laundry, the topic of a fight my boyfriend and I had just had. "How does not doing your laundry have anything to do with your depression?" he said with a confused look on his face. "I don’t know," I cried, frustrated and desperately wishing he could empathize. It was in that moment that I realized he really has no clue what it feels like to be depressed. He’s as even-keeled as it gets as a partner, and that’s actually something I’ve always adored about him. I mean, imagine if we both were crippled with anxiety and depression (now that would be a laundry pile worthy of an argument).

But seriously, trying to explain what depression is to someone who’s never been there is quite the task, especially when you're currently feeling it. For anyone here who’s in that boat, I’ll give it a try. Mine feels like my body is made of bricks. Some days, the thought of getting out of bed physically hurts like someone has put in an IV and sucked out all of my blood and energy. My emotions are made of tissue paper, and you know when you’re fighting back a cry and you get that lump in your throat? Well, that guy won’t give you a break. It’s somehow dull and sharp at the same time, and doing everyday mundane things can feel like climbing a dang mountain. I know everyone’s experience is different, and this isn’t an everyday occurrence for me. It comes in waves, some larger than others, lasting days or just a few moments.

I’m lucky to have now recognized the things that help me, and although this isn’t the most beautiful topic to discuss, it’s important for me to share my experiences in hopes that it can help at least one person. The story behind my newest single, "Over the Moon," stemmed from my absolute rock bottom. Within a span of three years, I had separately lost two friends to drowning, my mom, dog, and aunt to cancer, and my grandma to dementia. It’s as if the walls around me were caving in one after the other. Growing up became mandatory, and the light of being a carefree twenty-something blew out. I was depressed, anxious, and flat out exhausted. What else could possibly go wrong?! 

Then suddenly, it was the holidays, and for me personally, that’s when I really start to feel a dip in my heart, and I hear the words, "Your depression is unattractive," a quote from the lips of the love of my life. I had felt him start to fade away from me, and when I mustered up the courage to ask what was wrong, that’s what he said. Holy bananas, did that only make matters worse. We struggled through the following few months, patched together with the equivalent of tape and glue, until I had enough. He didn’t get to have me anymore and treat me that way. 

You want your partner to love you more when you need it the most. He’s quite a smart guy, so I figured the only way things were going to work out between us was if he did some research. So I said, "Order some books," and so he did, putting his well above-average intelligence to work. He is now "more in love with me than ever," and although he doesn’t tangibly know what it feels like for me when I slip below the surface, he now understands it. So with all that said, sometimes we just need some perseverance.

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